8 Common Narcissistic Abuse Tactics and How to Recognize Them
Narcissistic abuse is a subtle, insidious form of emotional violence that often leaves its victims feeling confused, anxious, and questioning their own sanity. This is by design. Narcissists employ a range of manipulative tactics aimed at maintaining control, securing attention (narcissistic supply), and eroding their victim's sense of self.
Recognizing these tactics is like being given a decoder ring for the chaos. When you can name the game, you can start to refuse to play. Here is a deep dive into eight of the most common narcissistic abuse tactics, what they look like, and why they are used.
1. Love-Bombing
What it is: An intense, over-the-top display of affection, praise, and attention at the beginning of a relationship. It involves constant compliments, extravagant gifts, and declarations of "soulmate" status very early on. It feels like a fairy tale.
The Purpose: Love-bombing is not genuine affection; it is a calculated tactic to create a powerful hook of attachment. By making you feel like the most special person in the world, the narcissist makes you dependent on that feeling of validation, creating a strong bond that will be difficult to break when the devaluation phase begins.
How it Feels: You feel adored, seen, and completely swept off your feet. It's intoxicating and can be mistaken for intense, true love.
2. Gaslighting
What it is: A systematic process of psychological manipulation designed to make you doubt your own perception, memory, and sanity.
The Purpose: If a narcissist can control your reality, they can control you. By making you believe your mind is unreliable ("You're too sensitive," "That never happened," "You're remembering it wrong"), they destroy your confidence and make you entirely dependent on their version of events.
How it Feels: You feel confused, anxious, and constantly second-guessing yourself. You may start to believe you are "crazy" or emotionally unstable.
3. Blame-Shifting
What it is: The refusal to take responsibility for their own actions by making their behavior your fault. They are masters of turning any criticism back on you.
The Purpose: Narcissists have an extremely fragile ego and cannot tolerate blame or shame. By shifting the blame, they preserve their flawless self-image and put you on the defensive, making you responsible for both the problem and the solution.
How it Feels: You feel a misplaced sense of guilt and responsibility. You may find yourself constantly apologizing for things that are not your fault. For example, "I wouldn't have yelled if you weren't so annoying" places the blame for their lack of emotional control on you.
4. Triangulation
What it is: Bringing a third person (or group of people) into your dynamic to create insecurity, jealousy, and competition. This could be an ex, a friend, a family member, or even a stranger.
The Purpose: Triangulation is a power play. By constantly comparing you to others ("My ex always understood this about me") or creating drama between you and someone else, the narcissist places themselves at the center of attention and forces you to compete for their approval.
How it Feels: You feel insecure, jealous, and off-balance. It erodes your self-esteem and creates a constant sense of competition.
5. The Silent Treatment (Stonewalling)
What it is: A punitive form of emotional withdrawal. The narcissist will deliberately ignore your calls, texts, and your very presence to punish you for a perceived slight.
The Purpose: This is not a request for space; it is a terrifying control tactic. It communicates that your existence is contingent on their approval. By "erasing" you, they create intense anxiety and desperation, often causing the victim to frantically try to get back in their good graces.
How it Feels: It is profoundly dehumanizing and anxiety-inducing. It can feel like you've ceased to exist.
6. Moving the Goalposts
What it is: Constantly changing the expectations and rules of the relationship so that you can never succeed. Just when you think you've finally done what they asked, they change the criteria for their approval.
The Purpose: This tactic keeps you in a perpetual state of striving and feeling "not good enough." It ensures the narcissist always holds the power, as you are forever trying to earn a love and approval that will never be permanently granted.
How it Feels: You feel exhausted, hopeless, and like you are constantly failing, no matter how hard you try.
7. Word Salad
What it is: A circular, nonsensical, and deliberately confusing argument style. The narcissist will use circular reasoning, accusations, projection, and gaslighting all at once, jumping from topic to topic until you are completely disoriented.
The Purpose: The goal of a word salad isn't to resolve a conflict; it's to win by exhaustion. They overwhelm and confuse you until you are too mentally drained to continue the discussion, at which point they can claim victory.
How it Feels: You leave the conversation feeling dizzy, exhausted, and with no sense of resolution, often feeling like you were the one who didn't make sense.
8. Smear Campaigns
What it is: Proactively spreading lies, gossip, and misinformation about you to others, particularly before, during, or after you leave the relationship. They will paint you as unstable, abusive, or crazy.
The Purpose: This is an attempt to control the narrative and isolate you from your support system. By discrediting you first, they protect their reputation and make it less likely that people will believe you when you speak out about their abuse.
How it Feels: It is incredibly isolating and painful. You feel betrayed and helpless as your reputation is attacked.
Identifying these tactics is the first, most powerful step toward reclaiming your reality. You are not imagining it. You are not too sensitive. You are being subjected to a predictable pattern of psychological abuse.
Learning to identify and disarm these tactics is a central theme in my new book, Shrink to Fit: Narcissistic and Gaslighting Abuse Recovery Workbook. Through the stories of Ava and Aaron, and with dozens of trauma-informed exercises, the book guides you not only in identifying these patterns but in healing from them.
If you’re ready to move from confusion to clarity, you can learn more about the book here.
You can also get a free, printable toolkit with grounding exercises and a daily self-reclamation ritual to help you start your healing journey today.
