What Is Gaslighting? 10 Common Phrases Narcissists Use to Make You Question Your Reality

Have you ever left a conversation feeling confused, exhausted, and questioning your own memory? Do you find yourself constantly second-guessing your feelings, wondering if you’re being "too sensitive" or "making a big deal out of nothing"?

If so, you may be experiencing gaslighting, one of the most insidious and damaging forms of emotional abuse.

Gaslighting is a manipulative tactic used to make you doubt your own perception, memory, and sanity. It’s a slow, deliberate erosion of your reality, designed to keep you off-balance and easier to control. It’s the reason you feel like you’re walking on eggshells, and the reason you might start to believe that the problems in the relationship are all your fault.

Recognizing gaslighting is the first, most crucial step to reclaiming your reality. Below are 10 common phrases used by narcissistic and manipulative individuals to gaslight their victims. See if any of them sound familiar.

1. "That never happened." / "You’re remembering it wrong."

This is the cornerstone of gaslighting. The abuser will flatly deny something they said or did, even if you have clear proof. By confidently insisting that your memory is flawed, they make you question your own mind. Over time, you may start to believe that you are unreliable, making it easier for them to control the narrative.

2. "You’re too sensitive." / "You’re overreacting."

This phrase is designed to invalidate your feelings. It dismisses your natural emotional reaction to their hurtful behavior and reframes it as a flaw within you. The message is clear: your feelings are not valid; they are the problem. This teaches you to suppress your emotions and stop trusting your own emotional responses.

3. "I was just joking! You have no sense of humor."

A classic tactic used to disguise cruelty as humor. The abuser will say something cutting or demeaning and then, when you react with hurt, they will accuse you of being unable to take a joke. This allows them to hurt you without taking any responsibility, leaving you feeling foolish for being upset.

4. "You’re the one who’s crazy/unstable, not me."

This is a powerful form of projection. The abuser, who is creating chaos and emotional instability, accuses you of being the one who is "crazy." By putting you on the defensive, they deflect from their own behavior and reinforce the idea that you are the source of the problems.

5. "I'm sorry you feel that way."

This is a non-apology. It sounds like an apology, but it places the blame back on you. The abuser isn't taking responsibility for their actions; they are simply acknowledging that you are having feelings, implying that your feelings are the issue. A genuine apology focuses on their behavior ("I'm sorry I said that"), not your reaction.

6. "You’re making a big deal out of nothing."

Similar to "you're too sensitive," this phrase minimizes your experience. It tells you that your perception of the situation is wrong and that the harm you feel is exaggerated. This can cause you to stop bringing up issues, as you've been conditioned to believe that your concerns are trivial.

7. "Everyone agrees with me; you’re the only one who thinks that."

This is a tactic to isolate you and make you feel like an outsider in your own reality. By creating an imaginary consensus, the abuser reinforces the idea that your perspective is abnormal and that you are the one who is out of touch.

8. "You made me do it."

This is a classic blame-shifting phrase. The abuser refuses to take responsibility for their own actions—whether it's yelling, giving the silent treatment, or something worse—and instead blames you for their behavior. This can leave you feeling a profound and misplaced sense of guilt.

9. "You’re so needy / insecure."

When you express a normal human need for connection, reassurance, or respect, a gaslighter will often label that need as a flaw. By framing your needs as a sign of weakness, they train you to stop asking for what you need, making you easier to neglect and control.

10. "If you weren't so [X], I wouldn't have to [Y]."

This is a conditional phrase that, once again, places the blame for their behavior squarely on you. It creates a direct link between a perceived flaw of yours and their hurtful action, reinforcing the idea that if you could just be "better," the abuse would stop.

The First Step to Clarity

If these phrases feel painfully familiar, know that you are not imagining things. Your reactions are not the problem; the manipulation is. Recognizing these tactics for what they are is the first, most powerful step out of the fog.

This is a central theme in my new book, Shrink to Fit: Narcissistic and Gaslighting Abuse Recovery Workbook. Through the stories of Ava and Aaron, and with dozens of trauma-informed exercises, the book guides you not only in identifying these patterns but in healing from them.

If you’re ready to move from confusion to clarity, you can learn more about the book here.

You can also get a free, printable toolkit with grounding exercises and a daily self-reclamation ritual to help you start your healing journey today.